Yesterday, I caught myself thinking of the past. Past adventures, past interests, past friends, past relationships, past regrets, past failures, and so on and so forth. I find that when I dwell on those things, I quickly slip into a depressed state. I miss those days sometimes. I was younger and more naive. Innocence was a familiar face. My mistakes and decisions weren’t quite so crucial and disrupting. Growing up wasn’t so hard. It wasn’t so tiring. But at that time, I thought it was haha. Now I look back and realize I didn’t really know anything.
Right now, it’s not what I’m doing that’s tiring. It’s not my life on a daily basis. That’s fairly typical. Study, nanny, teach piano, repeat. It’s what’s between the lines. The knowledge. I see the world differently and view people in a new perspective. I don’t walk the streets and see happiness and love all around anymore. Life isn’t always bright and sunny. I see each person has a hint of sadness in their gaze. Each person has such a different story, filled with burdens and struggles.
Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to handle this new knowledge. I rarely noticed these things until about a year ago. What changed? Experience. I’ve had several things happen in the last year (I talked about them in A Time Of Brokenness Pt.1 and Pt.2).
It’s so amazing to me how the Lord works things in our lives to change us. Even the smallest of things that I would never even think would change me so much. For example, about a year ago or so, a friend took me downtown. Homeless people scattered the streets, and we would go down there and take walks and sing. Sometimes one of the homeless people would approach us and ask for money. His response was to go and buy them a meal somewhere. I never realized how much of an effect on me that would have. It started something inside of me though. Those times we would go down there, started a small spark, and ever since, it has been growing and growing into a fire. This fire now burns in my soul and the Lord has deepened my love for those people so much that I can’t ignore it. I have a couple ministries I’m waiting to start now, and I still go downtown and talk to them.
It’s things like that have changed me. Small and simple to the outsider looking in. But now, it burns in my heart so strongly and so deeply that it hurts sometimes. Especially because, at this time in my life, I have very little opportunity to do much about it. To start those ministries and go at it full force. But it’s given me something to work towards. The ideas in my head have been going crazy haha.
This is just one reason why growing up is hard. I feel like I’m at a standstill. The past was a happy time in my life, and the future holds so many possibly fulfilled ideas. But right now, I have to just wait. I grab every small opportunity I’m given, but right now, I must just be still and trust. I have to die to my desires and dreams to follow His. I’m only 21, and I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis. Others have to remind me of that also. I forget so often that I don’t have to have everything figured out. That I don’t have to have all the answers to ever single question I have. That I’m still growing up. I’m not sure anyone ever stops growing up.
My perspective on life and on the world has changed so much. Sometimes it becomes a burden, to see all the pain and all the sorrow-filled people. My desire is to help every single one of them. To fix every single problem. But that’s not resting in the Lord, and that’s not trusting His will. Sometimes, He will gently push me in someones direction to allow Him to help them through me. But other times, He will take hold of my shoulders and whisper in my ear “It’s ok, hon. I’ve got this. These aren’t your battles to fight. Rest in My peace and trust Me”. Which rubs me the wrong way and frustrates me time and time again lol. But it’s getting easier. As I’ve been saying throughout the entire time I’ve had this blog, life is a journey. Being frustrated, growing, dying to yourself, and learning, is all just a part of that journey.